Hello internet perusers!  We are back with round 2 of the four part year break down of things to come.  Between April and June, the writers on HST have plenty that we are looking forward to in movies, music, and games,, and we want to share them with you.  No, none of these are April Fool’s jokes.  Zac is actually really excited to see a movie about male strippers.

Movies

The Cabin in the Woods (April 13)

Lauren’s #1 Pick:  As per usual, I included the trailer below, but honestly this is definitely a movie in which I think you should avoid the trailer.  I watched it when it was first put out and it seemed rather spoiler heavy, so I have avoided it like the plague since then.  I am just putting my faith in Joss Whedon (who co-wrote this) to create one fun horror film.

Heather: I’m not usually one for horror films, but this actually looks kind of intriguing.  I’d see it.

Zac: Avoid everything about this movie and just see it, that is what I am doing.

(Days pass)

Zac: And now I have seen it, it’s amazing, see it opening night with fresh eyes and little to no knowledge of what’s ahead.

The Pirates! Band of Misfits (April 27)

Zac: Aardman Animations, doing another stop-motion film.  Sold!  Film looks like silly and goofy British humor fun and its an adaptation of a great little book; this is going to catch people off guard how good it is I think.

Lauren:  [Shivers] Claymation … Still creepy.

Nate: I agree with Zac on this one.  Claymation can be extremely creepy, Jan Svankmajer is probably the ultimate example of that, but this looks absolutely gorgeous.  I’m sure in 3D it will be even more pleasing to the eye.  I think Zac is absolutely right and that it will completely catch people off guard just as Chicken Run did back in the day.

Lauren:  OOO Chicken Run!  See, with that alone you have reminded me of one example of this style that warms my heart.  Fine.  Count me in.  But if it’s creepy…

The Raven (April 27)

Zac: Hopefully more V for Vendetta and none of Ninja Assassin, the trailer looks fun and John Cusack could be great in the role as Poe.  Could be a darker Sherlock Holmes franchise if everything goes right.

Alan: I am so ready for this movie! I’m a big Edgar Allan Poe fan, and seeing his works getting translated into a murder mystery sounds like a great concept, hoping that it translates into a great film.

Lauren:  It’s like the pilot episode of Castle, but most likely far less hilariously awesome and sexually tense.  Maybe they’ll make the writer BA like as done to our upgraded detective in Sherlock Holmes as well, like Zac says.  Color me intrigued.

Heather:  Maybe it will be less hilarious than Castle (I should hope so) but Edgar Allen Poe is the master of all things twisted and creepy.  I scoff at you even comparing Poe’s genius to Castle.  In case you can’t tell, I LOOOOVE me some Poe.  If this movie gets the feel of his stories right, it will be nothing short of wonderfully horrific (in a good way!).

Lauren: I was just talking premise, and it’s not like Poe wrote this screenplay, which is definitely comparable.  So I scoff at your scoff.  Also, come borrow my seasons of Castle already.  Based on this conversation you would appreciate the Halloween episode of Season 2.

The Avengers (May 4)

Lauren’s #2 Pick:  What!? Two projects connected to Joss Whedon in such close proximity to each other!? Clearly I jest.  Well, jest I do not.  Whedon has always had a knack for understanding how to work with large ensemble casts, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer to Firefly, so if anyone can pull off a team of superheroes and give each their due, I’d put my money on him.  Plus if this works, we may be one step closer to getting a Justice League film.  But I have to say, I am really excited to see how Captain America handles modern day America considering how his solo film ended.

Heather:  So I guess I should maybe actually watch Thor without falling asleep, and then tackle Captain America in prep?

Lauren:  Yes, that would definitely be a great idea for prep work.

Zac: Looks good, Joss Whedon should definitely add a lot to this world.  I hear the talking scenes are as compelling as the action; look out. Hulk Smash!

Nate: I have not made even the slightest effort to see Captain America or Thor mostly because I knew this movie was in the works.  I am extremely excited to see this and I also felt the same as Lauren when I heard about this movie, in that I too am really hoping a Justice League movie gets made, but they would probably have to do a decent remake of Superman first.  I’m just really afraid this movie simply won’t be long enough to cover everything and that we will end up getting a shallow action packed mess.

Lauren:  [Lightly grumbles] Superman Returns was a decent Superman film…

Dark Shadows (May 11)

Lauren:  This has the potential to be really, really, stupid, but I am willing to watch pretty much anything Tim Burton puts out because I have always been a fan of his style and world building.  German Expressionism and all that jazz.  Plus, it has a great cast with Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham Carter, Eva Green, and Chloe Grace Moretz.  Then again, just cuz I am willing to watch Burton doesn’t mean I always like what he puts out.  This could be one of those.

Zac: I saw the preview before The Hunger Games and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised at how much I was laughing.  Looks weird and silly, and that period setting will hopefully be a fun playground for Burton to recapture that magic he hopefully still has in him.

Alan: Ok, I cannot get behind this movie. I watched the soap opera in its entirety with my dad a while back, and NONE of it was trying to be funny. Of course, this isn’t a straight adaption, but if you are going to use Barnabas as the main character, you can at least stick to the source material. I might see it, but I’m probably going to skip it.

Nate: I too saw this as a preview before The Hunger Games, and I’m pretty sure I did not laugh at any part of the trailer.  Most of the jokes were incredibly old and the story seemed absolutely awful.  I love Tim Burton, and Johnny Depp is always fantastic no matter how awful the movie is, and I am really hoping this movie turns out to be good, but right now I just can’t see it happening.

Moonrise Kingdom (May 16)

Lauren:  I don’t know why, but whenever I see this trailer it just reminds me of some modern day Shakespearean adaptation.  Must be its apparent epicness.  Now, I shall let Zac go on about this one cuz he is probably foaming at the mouth in anticipation.

Heather: This looks awesome!  But why are you foaming at the mouth Zac?

Zac’s #1 Pick (Tie*): *Homer Simpson Drool Face* The reason I am frothing at the mouth is because I LOVE Wes Anderson, and this movie looks like he has taken his last feature, Fantastic Mr. Fox, and merged it into live action.  I mean, the cast is worth price of admission alone, but seeing all these new faces play in Anderson’s world (Ed Norton, Bruce Willis, Frances McDormand, Tilda Swinton) along with the old staples is going to be a real treat.  Plus it looks like a blast, weird and hilarious.  Can’t wait!

Alan: This reminds me of what Garden State was when it came out in 2004. The trailer didn’t give anything really away, besides that it looks to be a coming of age movie that will appeal to everyone. Also, the huge cast makes it look so much better. This is one I’m definitely going to see when it comes out.

Nate’s  #1 Pick: This is without a doubt the movie I am looking forward to the most.  I love Wes Anderson and I will watch anything he does.  There has yet to be a single movie he has done that I did not think was absolutely brilliant.  Ever since Rushmore (my personal favorite of Wes Anderson’s) it seems that he has no trouble putting together amazing casts, and I can completely understand why.  It has been a really long time since a trailer has gotten me this excited to go see a movie.

Snow White and the Huntsman (June 1)

Lauren’s #3 Pick:  At first I would have said that in comparison to Mirror, Mirror this Snow White film would easily be the victor, thus why I want to see it.  However, it just keeps looking better and better as the release date nears, reaching for visuals that I really wasn’t expecting.  Plus I cannot wait to see Charlize Theron’s evil queen, who reminds me of some woman who would bathe in the blood of peasant girls from the nearby village to stay young.  I got caught watching something about vampires on the History Channel…

Heather:  This actually looks good.  Here’s to hoping Kristen Stewart doesn’t ruin it.

Zac: Having seen Mirror, Mirror, these two Snow White tales will have no problem existing in the same world as they will be almost incomparable.  As for this, it looks splendid; I like all three of the leads a lot, and the action seems to be very well done.  We will see.

Prometheus (June 8th)

Lauren:  One name: Michael Fassbender.  Oh, that not enough for you?  Well for anyone who knows Greek mythology, “Prometheus” sure doesn’t bode well for those involved in the movie, so I think it was safe to say that we’re in for quite the sci-fi adventure.  Plus, the screaming noise that accompanies the last portion of the trailer is also rather promising.

Alan: AHHHH THIS LOOKS AWESOME! I’m not a big sci-fi fan, but I know when something coming out looks completely amazing. Ridley Scott hasn’t really put anything decent out in years, but THIS looks like a futuristic masterpiece that will cement Scott’s name in film’s hierarchy.

Zac’s  #1 Pick (Tie*): The film looks stunning, the teaser trailer is phenomenal, and I am ecstatic to head back into Ridley Scott’s sci-fi universe.  The cast, again, is phenomenal here with Fassbender, Theron, Elba, Pierce, Rapace all primed to turn in top notch work for a top tier director hopefully returning to his A game.  Also can’t wait to see what another visual master like Scott does with 3D.

Nate: Ridley Scott making a sci-fi movie.  Nuff said.

Safety Not Guaranteed (June 8th)

Lauren:  As imdb.com describes it: “Three magazine employees head out on an assignment to interview a guy who placed a classified ad seeking a companion for time travel.”  Then add Kristen Bell, Audrey Plaza, and Jake M. Johnson and we’ve got ourselves some great potential for ensuing hilarity.  But the real question remains, in the end, will there have really been time travel?  And not just that emotional finding peace with the past or anything like that, but actual traveling through time.

Alan: This movie looks like it can make me feel everything. The cast looks great (didn’t know that Mark Duplass from The League was going to be in this), the trailer looks funny, and gives off a hint of sadness towards the end. FilmDistrict has been on a roll lately (they did Drive last year), and this will just be another notch on their ever-growing belt.

Zac: In for the cast and heard good things out of Sundance, I’ll be there.

Rock of Ages (June 15)

Zac: Tom Cruise sings as part of a fantastic ensemble that could be the next great musical feature based on what I know about the stage show.  A musical built around rock music seems to make a lot of sense and I will give Cruise a shot in anything he does, so I will see you in line.

Lauren:  Ugh… It’s like the font on the poster for this screams “Hate me!  Remember Guitar Hero!?  We’ll be just like that!”  But this one was actually saved by the trailer for me.  So take that Zac!  Trailer for the win!  That and musicals.  Musical trailer win.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (June 22)

Lauren:  Lincoln did this much for us and all we did was stick him on a stupid penny!  That’s right, this is a true story.  Yep.

Zac: Liked Wanted a lot, been waiting for the director’s follow up, this should be a visual treat and a whole lot of fun.

Nate: I remember when I first walked out of the Des Peres 14 Cine and saw the cardboard display for this movie and knew right then and there that I wanted to see it.  I’m sure it will be bad, but the title alone has me sold.

Brave (June 22)

Lauren:  A new Disney/Pixar film is a new must see film.  Simple as that.  But who doesn’t also love a story about a girl doing more than what she is expected to?  That’s a story this tomboy can get behind.

Zac: I don’t really like the trailer for this, too many blue sight gags, but it’s Pixar so I won’t lose hope anytime soon.  The trailer alludes to something mythical going on here and I am sure Pixar will continue its killer run.  (Yes, Cars 2 counts)

Lauren:  I refuse to acknowledge Cars 2 until a good Pixar film gets a sequel!  I’m sure Nemo can get lost again!  And what about The Underminer!?  The Incredibles  have plenty of villains we haven’t faced yet, or more importantly, for Jack Jack to go crazy on.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (June 22)

Lauren:  Remember how at the end of Armageddon the asteroid was destroyed and earth was saved?  Well, what happens when plans to avert impending doom don’t go as planned?  While you’re deciding how you would spend your final days, you can watch what Steve Carell and Keira Knightley would do (a pairing alone that is worth seeing this simply because of how random it is).

Zac: Premise alone has me sold.

Beasts of the Southern Wild (June 22)

Lauren:  Here’s another film that just simply needs a storyline copy/pasted to peak interest: “Hushpuppy, an intrepid six-year-old girl, lives with her father, Wink, in “the Bathtub,” a southern Delta community at the edge of the world. Wink’s tough love prepares her for the unraveling of the universe; for a time when he’s no longer there to protect her. When Wink contracts a mysterious illness, nature flies out of whack-temperatures rise, and the ice caps melt, unleashing an army of prehistoric creatures called aurochs. With the waters rising, the aurochs coming, and Wink’s health fading, Hushpuppy goes in search of her lost mother.”  Sounds pretty weird, aka promising.

Zac: I don’t know anything about this other than that it is supposed to be great, count me in.

(Sorry, no trailer)

G.I. Joe: Retaliation (June 29)

Zac: I had fun with the first one and the addition of The Rock and Bruce Willis knowingly acting in a G.I. Joe movie might bring a lot of fun with this one.  Plus, that cliff ninja fight looks crazy cool.

Lauren:  Ugh… I want to like it after the trailer, and The Rock being a part of Fast Five probably helped keep it from sucking as badly as the previous films in the series (1 is still the best), so he could help here.  Plus, getting rid of G.I. Joe is very Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol…  But the first one just… It wasn’t good.

Magic Mike (June 29th)

Zac: Steven Soderbergh is back again for the third time in less than a year, this time with a dramedy based around the life of male strippers; partially inspired by Channing Tatum’s life.  This is the year of Tatum and I am sure this will cement his greatness as the new superstar of tomorrow. (Hopefully alongside Michael Fassbender!)  Plus, ladies, lots of hot guys stripping!

Lauren:  Yeah, this just sounds awkward.  I don’t know about you, Zac, but I may be able to resist my feminine urges to drool over half naked men.

(Sorry, no trailer)

Music

Of Monsters & Men’s My Head is an Animal (April 3rd)

Heather:  I have only recently gotten into this Icelandic band (I listened to their four song EP Into the Woods for the first time just a couple of days ago) but I am already hooked.  Rolling Stones Magazine called them the next Arcade Fire, and although I don’t really get the comparison, I am excited to see what their first full-length album is like.

Lauren:  Heather does know how to find groups that know how to blend male and female vocals.  She did introduce me to The Civil Wars, after all.  Ok, technically So You Think You Can Dance did, but I leave credit with Heather.  Also a fan of their EP, so I hope their full length CD will bring more soothing songs my way.

Heather:  Alan actually found a preview of their full length album on NPR’s website (thank you NPR… and Alan!)  I love everything about it!  Listen while its up:  Preview Of Monsters And Men’s upcoming album here!

Alabama Shakes’ Boys And Girls (April 10th)

Alan: I don’t know much about the band personally (besides listening to their first single “Hold On”), but as an avid listener of NPR, I’ve only heard great things. They’re not too country, not too folksy, just down the middle. The way I like it.

Neon Trees’ Picture Show (April 17th)

Alan: Since we haven’t heard a lot from The Killers for years now, it’s time for someone else to take the reins of the electric pop alternative genre. Neon Trees started out nicely a couple of years ago with “Animal,” but that alone didn’t catch on as much as it probably should have. Now, they have “Everybody Talks,” and I can bet that it’ll be #1 on the alternative charts in no time.

Jason Mraz’s Love is a Four Letter Word (April 17th)

Heather’s #3 Pick:  I love Jason Mraz.  And although I still prefer his earlier albums over some of the later ones, I wont give up on him.  Coincidentally, “I Wont Give Up” is the name of the first single he has released off his upcoming album.  I don’t really like it all that much (it’s pretty slow and in my opinion drags, not to mention he looks gross in the music video), so I hope it isn’t representative of what the rest of the album will be like. If it is, I’m in for a big disappointment.

See what I mean? He looks sleezy.

Lauren:  I actually think the song’s rather pretty, and I am usually not a big Mraz fan.  But my first thought was also, “why does he look like that?”

Jack White’s Blunderbuss (April 24th)

Alan: Firstly, let’s pour some out for The White Stripes, as they are no longer with us. Luckily, frontman Jack White is still putting out music (in more than one way) for the masses to enjoy his random genius. The first two songs I’ve heard so far, “Love Interruption” and “Sixteen Saltines” shows the creative directions that he wants to go with on his first solo endeavor – which is everywhere. He can be folk, he can be rock, he can be awesome. I have high hopes that Blunderbuss is going to be a complete success.

Carrie Underwood’s Blown Away (May 1st)

Heather: I’m not a fan of country music, but Carrie is the one exception I will make.  I don’t typically like her ballads much, but she sure knows how to put together some lively songs that make me want to stomp by boots and sing along.  Her voice is just so powerful and well suited to those types of songs, a la Good Girl, her first single.

Silversun Pickups’ Neck of the Woods (May 8th)

Alan’s #1 Pick: The level of excited that I currently am for the third studio album from the California rock quartet cannot be put onto a chart. It’s WAY above whatever mark would be the top. Before the Seasick EP that came out earlier this year, I was itching for something new from SSPU, and since then, all I’ve wanted was more (I have an unhealthy addiction of SSPU). Now, their new single “Bloody Mary (Nerve Endings)” is on loop on my iPod, and until May 8th, it will continue to be on my rotation of awesomeness. I’m only hoping that the album is as awesome – if not more – than any of the recent material that came out. Here’s hoping!

John Mayer’s Born and Raised (May 22nd)

Heather’s #2 Pick: Although I was not a fan of John Mayer when I first heard his music in high school, I grew to love him and have been a huge fan ever since (even if he does seem both shady and arrogant in real life).  He had to cancel his upcoming shows due to the recurrence of the granuloma in his throat, but at least fans will have his album to listen to while he recovers.  I can always count on Mayer’s albums to be consistently good, every time.  No flops for him!

Regina Spektor’s What We Saw From the Cheap Seats (May 29th) 

Heather’s #1 Pick: It’s been 3 years (in other words far too long!) since her last album Far came out, but I would much prefer her taking a bit more time to write good quality music as opposed to the never ending stream of garbage that many pop stars like Katy Perry mass produce.  Her first single “All the Rowboats” is perfect in my opinion, making this my most anticipated CD of the next three months.

Lauren’s #1 Pick:  Agreed.  Definitely far too long.  I am pretty sure that during my senior year of college I listened to her stuff every day on my way to school.  There is just something about her music and lyrics that really makes me happy.

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros’ Title TBA (May 29th) 

Heather:  My friend Amy was the one who first introduced me to this band, and I hated them my first go ‘round.  I think my exact words to her were, “Ew, it sounds like hordes of terrifying children are singing along to these songs.”  Maybe that was being a bit dramatic on my part…  But just like John Mayer, Amy was right about Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, and they have slowly nestled their way into my heart.  I think the song called “Home” was the one that really did it for me.  I hope the next album is every bit the frolic in a sunflower filled field as the last one was.

Other notable albums include: Nicki Minaj, Trampled By Turtles, Bassnectar, Rascal Flatts, Spiritualized, Eve 6, B.o.B., Santigold, Norah Jones, Best Coast, Tenacious D.

Lauren:  Oh Eve 6.  I didn’t realize they’re still around since “Here’s to the Night.”

Video Games

Prototype 2 (April 24)

Lauren:  The first game had some problems, but I really enjoyed my time running/gliding around infected NYC as I pieced together what happened by obtaining info through consuming other people.  I mean, that’s how everyone learns, right?  And changes clothes.  Good times…  Point is, I can’t wait to see how they chose to build on a sturdy foundation.  Plus with a new protagonist, it will be interesting to see how the game brings in Alex Mercer from game 1 because this guy sure seems pretty devoted to finding him.  …Wait, what happens if we consume Mercer!?

Max Payne 3 (May 15)

Lauren: (Yes I did copy/paste this from our post about Q1.  Not my fault the game got pushed back.)  The only experience I’ve had with Max Payne was the movie, and I am going to pretend that never happened.  So I am coming in to this with virgin eyes, full of hope thanks to the graphics and slow motion action.  I enjoyed Wet, but this looks better because the slow-mo doesn’t look mandatory to rack up the kills (assuming a point system isn’t incorporated).

Ghost Recon: Future Soldier (May 22)

Lauren:  I have never really been big into military shooters, but for some reason I have always liked the Ghost Recon games during the 360 days.  It could be possible that Advanced Warfighter was one of the interesting games around launch time, but the 3rd person shooter gameplay was what kept me around for the second (not that there is anything wrong with FPS games, I just prefer 3rd person).  And now, with Future Soldier, I can yell military jargon into my headset at my boyfriend while we play co-op.  Or, you know, what I make up and convince myself is legit jargon.  I’m not perfect.

Lego Batman 2: DC Super Heroes (June 1)

Lauren:  LEGO + Super Heroes + video games = gleegasm, and not the breaking out into song kind.  Ok, maybe humming of the Batman or Superman theme songs, but nothing crazy.  Sure, these aren’t the most hardcore games since they’re family friendly, but that doesn’t stop them from being highly addictive.  Come on, you know you wanna play it.

Other notable games: Aliens: Colonel Marines, Darksiders II, Devil May Cry HD Collection, Diablo III, Lollipop Chainsaw, The Secret World, The Walking Dead, The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings (Enhanced Edition)

Years ago when Captain Jack Sparrow was wondering where all the rum had gone, he probably would have never guessed that it was being stockpiled for another movie by the man filling his shoes.  That traitor!  Johnny Depp’s appropriately titled new film, The Rum Diary, has lots of rum, and not much else.

Based on the book of the same name, The Rum Diary finds Paul Kemp in Puerto Rico as he continues his life as a reporter.  At least that is what he tells himself, because let’s be honest, he went there to drink.  And drink he does, using alcohol as a lubricant for better enjoyment of the island culture, mixing it up with the local cock fighters, sailing around in the calm seas, falling in “love” with a beautiful woman (albeit from Connecticut), catching wind of some white man corruption.  You know, the usual.

Depp gives the role his all, granted it isn’t far from one of his most iconic characters of the recent past.  He wobbles with the grace of a just-born giraffe, has a glazed expression in his eyes as he tries to focus on what is important, and for lack of a better phrase, he drinks far more than a sailor.  Laughs are had, especially when he has a fellow newspaper worker in Sala (played by Michael Rispoli) to sing “99 Bottles of Rum on the Wall” with as they act it out together, but I think I passed my limit for rum soaked Depp a couple films back.  Giovanni Ribisi joins the party from time to time as a fellow man searching for truths through a highly intoxicated state of mind (possibly weakened by brain damage at this point as well), and though he provides some fantastic lines whenever he’s on screen (at least when they aren’t too incoherently slurred), there quickly comes a point when watching the film just feels like what it was like to be the designated driver at a college party where everyone else is drunk.  Generally the stupidity that people quickly sink to can provide plenty of laughs in response to their antics, but there comes a point where it loses its entertainment value and just becomes sad.

Surprisingly there is actually a deeper story to the film as Kemp comes across a fraction of the corruption mentioned above, and though he does have some ideals to stand on, these quickly get lost as he dedicates his time to other things.  Seeing as the title is The Rum Diary this should probably be expected, but it just becomes impossible to believe in the character when he is living the lifestyle of an alcoholic.  Occasionally he presents an article focusing on the issues of the island, but these are pushed aside by a boss who understands that this is not what the people reading the paper want, and Kemp hardly does anything to fight the system.  If anything, he only does slightly attempt to bring the lies to light when he has no other options.  He may have morals somewhere deep down, and beliefs worthy of praise in concern to how the world should be, but his conviction and dedication to things worthy of his time are drowned by the bottles he downs, leading to a lackluster film with just as little focus as the main character (and an even weaker ending).

The Rum Diary is good for a laugh or two, but in the end, save your money and go down to the local frat house to watch the natives embarrass themselves.  The experience will be the same (except for the higher percentage of getting puked on).

Final Grade:  C-

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With the release of L.A. Noire last Tuesday my time has been embarrassingly devoted to playing through the video game, so I may have gotten behind on reviewing the new Pirates of the Caribbean film.  I wish I could say this was the only reason for the delay, but it may have to do with the simple fact that I didn’t want to admit that I did not really like it (granted the power outage didn’t help).  Guess it won’t be getting that spot on my list of the successful high numbered sequels of the year after all…

On Stranger Tides brings back everyone’s favorite swashbuckler in the hopes of restoring the series to the glory that has been slowly washing away since The Curse of the Black Pearl.  Johnny Depp is as entertainingly eccentric as ever as Captain Jack Sparrow on the new treasure hunt to find the Fountain of Youth, but it turns out that his perfected pirate cannot actually carry a film without the help of the characters that he was developed around in the prior films. That’s right, this time around there is no Orlando Bloom to brave the high seas for love and no Keira Knightley to duel against Barbossa with the expanse of her vocabulary (I can’t really remember what they did in the other two films post the first).  Whatever your feeling of their characters was before, the loss of the dynamic they created is greatly felt in this one.

A few new characters are introduced to fill the empty space at Jack’s side, starting with Angelica.  What first seems to be a very promising character thanks to her past with Jack quickly loses this edge as her true connection to the story is revealed.  Penélope Cruz does a fine job with the role she is given, but it is impossible to see past her motivation in the main body of the story that quickly takes front and center over the more interesting relationship with Jack and the potential of what she means to his character.  Instead we get some lame father/daughter story with Ian McShane’s Blackbeard.

Prior to On Stranger Tides the main antagonizing forces have always been other strong pirate captains, referring mostly to Barbossa and Davy Jones.  Created by Geoffrey Rush and Bill Nighy respectively, each had a strength of character and interesting qualities brought about by the actors filling the roles, but the same cannot be same here.  This time around McShane takes the helm of the villainous ship as Blackbeard, a character that is completely dwarfed by his predecessors, which becomes even more noticeable considering that Barbossa is still around to compare him to.

Other than a few comedic bits between Barbossa and Jack that draw heavily on an already well-developed relationship and rapport between the two, the movie is set adrift without any real pull.  Think of it as a fishing trip: Casting the line is easily one of the most exciting parts of the process, and On Stranger Tides does this with the reintroduction of Depp’s character.  Then the waiting begins.  The anticipation of the possibility of something exciting happening continues to grow, all the while the film draws out like the experience of watching a bobber that never dips below the surface of the water.  A series that once had a zest for adventure with its kraken, skeletal pirate crews, and whirlpool ship battles now has nothing quite as palpably exciting within its slowly progressing story, and all that remains is something that is challenging to get engrossed in and deserves to get thrown back.

In addition to the far less grandiose action elements, additional cons begin piling up: a romance between two random characters to recreate the attraction of Will and Elizabeth is forced, the inclusion of a few zombified crew members is confounding and completely unnecessary as they are thrown in with as little purpose as the Spaniards, and Blackbeard’s control over his ship just seems silly in a world that has always lived on the outskirts of reality.  Speaking of which, one bullet point for the pro side of the list is that mermaids finally make a long overdue appearance (because of their close connection to pirate lore).  If only there had been even more of them.  Possibly one named Ariel…

The hope with Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides was to recreate what was done with the first film, but instead of recapturing what made it so inspired, all this film manages to do is build a longing to watch The Curse of the Black Pearl again to wash the dissatisfied taste of this one away.  There is no reason for this to be 3D, the action sequences lack excitement, the humor of the characters seems to have waned without the addition of a few key relationships that have already been formed and familiarized with the audience, and it turns out that Captain Jack Sparrow can’t actually carry a film on his own.  In the end, I’m sure there were plenty like me that hoped that this movie would be drenched in Disney magic, but unfortunately that ship sailed long ago.

Final grade: C-

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is a less fantastical experience then the previous films but if you are a fan of Jack Sparrow and the series I am sure you will find some fun in this picture.

Will and Elizabeth are gone and we pick up where the last few moments of At World’s End left off, with Captain Jack Sparrow on the hunt for the Fountain of Youth.  Things were left leading us to believe that the race would be between Barbossa and Sparrow for the fountain, but a bit of convoluting has gotten The British and Spanish thrones involved, along with the legendary pirate Blackbeard.  In fact, our adventure begins in England where Jack is attempting to rescue Gibbs, who is accused of being Sparrow, while Jack also tracks down an imposter claiming to be Sparrow; whom is also recruiting a crew for a mysterious mission.  Barbossa is working for the English Throne, Sparrow’s ex is rolling with Blackbeard, and Jack finds himself, again, in a mix of allegiances we might not be able to keep track of.

Luckily we can keep of track of things as the film is not nearly as convoluted as the last two sequels got at times.  The film is just as full of exposition and bloated plot points as its predecessors so if it hasn’t bothered you before I don’t know why it would start to now.  Where the film does pale compared to the previous entries is a lack of mystical/fantastical elements that littered the first three films.  The film has dashes of the fantastic that are kind of cool, and the central plot point does revolve around a potential eternal draught, but don’t expect any ghost pirates or sea creature people to be walking around.

The film does remain fairly fun though, especially if you enjoy Jack Sparrow.  Depp is great as the character as usual and I can enjoy just about anything with Sparrow.  The film is also basically the Jack Sparrow show, as he is in almost every scene, and it is only in the end that things get a bit divided to the secondary characters.  The new love birds the film introduces are an all right diversion but we aren’t nearly as invested in them as we were the Will/Elizabeth relationship.  The priest and mermaid are secondary characters and luckily Rob Marshall doesn’t try to elevate them anything much beyond that.  I will say I was disappointed that Gibbs was back and not stuck on The Black Pearl.  The bit with the fate of the Pearl is quite cool though and it makes me wish they embraced the fantastic a bit more.  Though outside Gibbs, Sparrow, and Barbossa don’t expect any familiar faces, and that isn’t really a bad thing; like I said, I didn’t need Gibbs.

The new faces are a mixed bag with Blackbeard not coming off nearly as menacing as they had hoped for. I don’t think this is the fault of Ian McShane; the film just doesn’t give any big scary moments to cement his villainy.  In fact we only assume Blackbeard is not to be trusted because of our assumed reputation of the character in history.  More successful is Penélope Cruz’s Angelica who isn’t quite the fireball Cruz is capable of but a lot of fun nonetheless.  She bounces off Depp with ease and the two have a believable history, she also looks fantastic.  Geoffrey Rush is fun as Barbossa again and I am happy to have him back along with Depp; they were the best parts of the previous trilogy. The aforementioned priest and mermaid characters don’t really show up till the second half of the film and their romance is easy and unbelievable.  Sam Claflin and Astrid Berges-Frisbey make the most of their respective parts but the characters remain barely memorable.  The mermaid effects were particularly cool though, the changing from human and back again are done extremely well.  The effects work is stellar and not very showy, but again I wish there was a bit more spectacle.

In the end, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is a fun feature for Jack Sparrow fans, but not without its short comings.  Featuring a solid cast and the two friendly faces we wanted to see again the film is adequate summer fun and about what you would expect from a pirates movie.  While not as good as the first film, Stranger Tides is as a whole probably as good as the third film, but lacks any of the spectacle the grandest moments of At World’s End has.  If a fan of the series I am sure you will enjoy, but don’t expect the film to win over anyone new.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is a C+

P.S. The 3D has a couple cool shots but don’t fret not being able to see in 3D; save cash if you need to

Though Rango has some of the best animation I’ve seen in a while, the quirky characters are not enough to keep the familiar story from being subpar to better films of the genre.

The film opens on a chameleon named Lars during his daily routine of putting on productions with his fellow tankmates (AKA non-living items), a hobby that helps escape the static existence he has grown accustomed to.  But when he literally hits a bump in the road he goes flying out of his owner’s car to be left alone in the middle of a desert.  Venturing out away from the one marking of human civilization in this barren land, Lars eventually happens upon a small town called Dirt, where he is able to once again blend into his surroundings in the only way he knows how by stepping into the rough boots of Rango, a tough gunslinger who just might be what this town needs to survive in the worsening water shortage.

Turning away from the style of animation that can sometimes seem overly rounded and smoothed out, the artists over at Industrial Light and Magic really create something truly spectacular with Rango, which I can honestly say is one of the best and most impressive animated movies I have seen in terms of aesthetics.  Other than the confusion brought on by what appeared to be a bird with a beard and the lack of truthfulness to size, almost every shot in this film is beautifully set up and animated, and I can say that this is what saved this film for me.

I am in no way trying to give the impression that Rango is a bad film in all other aspects, but I will say that for anyone familiar with westerns and films in general there isn’t a whole lot of new elements going on here.  Maybe it’s just the impressions left by True Grit and Red Dead Redemption, but other than a few characters that don’t fit the prototype everything is all too cookie cutter stereotypical, from the townspeople, villains, “surprises,” and questionable comments in concern to being PC.  For one thing, Wounded Bird, the “Native American” in this film, may be an animal, but I still can’t help feeling like I just witnessed something kind of racist.

On the whole the story of this film is lackluster, but one thing it manages to do is create some truly spectacular moments and scenes within the story that made me forget my disappointment for spans of time, especially in concern to action.  One of the best examples to give you an idea of this is a scene involving creepy, most-likely incestuous moles flying combat bats to the tune of Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries.”  Though my favorite music cue remains the use of “Ave Maria” towards the beginning of the film, the overall music selection in Rango is also one of the highlights, and one of the many ways that the film chooses to reference others.  Though I rolled my eyes at the self-referential nature of a latter scene to Gore Verbinski / Johnny Depp’s other work in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, most are pretty great, from my geek-out inducing Transformers moment (in the form of an aerial roll over the characters and camera, not actual transforming) to the already mentioned Apocalypse Now.

With Johnny Depp at the center of this film it isn’t hard to fathom that the world created in Rango is going to be a strange little corner of the desert, which is yet another reason as to why I can’t completely write it off.  But in the end something about it just doesn’t sit right with me.  For one thing, there are bits and pieces that don’t even feel appropriate for children, who may be the only audience who won’t realize that they have seen this story before.  Then again, maybe the animation of ILM will be enough to allow most to forgive the film for its weaker points.

Final Grade: B-

Rango’s story might be a familiar hodgepodge of classic film’s and such, but the title character and the amount of weirdness the film throws at us elevates it to accompany the incredible ILM animation.

To call the film is actually almost an understatement. The film constantly borderlines on being inappropriate for children, has some rather graphic imagery, and it is nearly photo realistically produced by the pros at Industrial Light and Magic.  Please, ILM, make more animated films; beautiful stuff.  I didn’t even get to see the film in its full digital glory, stuck watching on film, and it was still incredible to look at. But enough gushing on how pretty and weird it is.

The film follows Rango, a lizard, who has been living his life acting out scenes with his inanimate surroundings of his tank/cage.  When he is bummed out the back of his owners car with nothing but his wind up orange fish in the middle of the desert he is sent along to discover Dirt.  Dirt is a more or less waterless, western, town that is losing its town’s people by the day as their water supply has all but dried out.  When Rango shows up he puts his acting talents to work and conjures up a tough guy persona for the townsfolk and soon finds himself as the leader on the hunt for the town’s water.

Gore Verbinski enlists Johnny Depp and a few others of his Pirates cohorts to populate the town of Dirt and the results are really quite bizarre.  From a snake that can shoot bullets from its rattler, moles that can fly bats in combat, characters casually acknowledging giant underground monsters, or armadillos that can overcome a tire through their abdomen; you will find a lot of crazy ideas here.  And it is all for the better if you ask me.  How many films out there throw references from Apocalypse Now, Chinatown, Leone “Spaghetti Westerns”, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and Raising Arizona; just to name a few.  Speaking of Raising Arizona, the film feels like it could have been made by the Coen Brothers and I imagine if they every made an animated western revolving around a lizard it would look a lot like this.

The action in the film is quite impressive as well with the aforementioned bat riding scene being an incredible set piece that is worth the price of admission alone.  Humor, action, and suspense all perfectly rolled up together to create a memorable and lengthy action piece in the middle of the film.

There is only one misstep in my book, and it is a giant one in that it killed the tone and pacing of the film.  The film’s third act opens up with an odd and overly long encounter with the Spirit of the West that is clearly supposed to be The Man with No Name from the Leone films.  They recruit Timothy Olyphant, who is great, to voice the rugged legend but the scene meanders and serves little to no purpose.  To make it even further irrelevant, they had even already establish another sage like character, that is around directly before and after this odd dream!, that could have easily given Rango the same advice with the same impact.  The scene really took me out of the film and I don’t know if I ever fully got back.  I am sure it will play better on subsequent viewings, the Blu-ray is going to be glorious, knowing that it is coming, but it is very disappointing and odd to see Verbinski put two long and pointless dream sequences in his last two films; learn from your mistakes.

If there is any other complaint to make it is that the film is somehow underwhelming and unoriginal plot wise.  A Bug’s Life comes to mind on more than one occasion during the film and that isn’t the only time it seems to lift maybe more than homage. There are few surprises to be had here which is hard to believe given all the visual and character creativity on display in the film.  But like I mentioned in the opener, the creativity and weirdness Verbinski throws at us makes up for this shortcoming.

Johnny Depp is a joy in the film as he creates a unique and fully formed character and Rango that feels lived in.  You have surely seen in some of the commercials for the film that he acted out the film on a simple set to give the character a full body reference and it clearly paid off in the creation of the character.  Rango is in nearly every frame of the film, and Depp is the clear star here, but there are a number of other voice talents that help elevate the film.  Bill Nighy is great as Rattlesnake Jake and I really do wish we got more of him, just nasty.  Ray Winstone, Ned Beatty, and Alfred Molina are also quite fine in their work as well with Isla Fisher and Abigail Breslin doing the same.  Stephen Root is the other standout here though in a couple of roles that sticks with you besides Rango.

In the end, Rango is an entertaining and bizarre adventure that is hard to not have fun with.  The animation by ILM is impeccable and might be the prettiest animated film to date.  While Verbinski’s film is not quite at that Pixar level, it is an interesting experiment for the medium that can be enjoyed by kid and adult.  But be prepared, the film is out there, and is easily one of the weirdest things to be released from a major studio in recent memory.  I just hope a second viewing washes away the bad taste the Spirit of the West scene left in my mouth and I can fully enjoy the film’s third act.

Rango is a B+

The Tourist takes its two super stars, Depp and Jolie, and uses them effectively to craft a somewhat odd amalgamation of genres that all feel a bit lite, yet still work.

Jolie plays Elise, a Brit roaming Paris who is under surveillance constantly by the British governments with the hope that her wanted beau will show his pretty new face to see his love.  When she gets a letter at her usual café from her estranged lover to find herself a random stranger on the train to Venice and convince her pursuers that this stranger is the man they are looking for.  That stranger is Frank (Depp), and he is an American math professor on holiday that is more than happy to follow around Elise like a puppy at her beckon call.  Before you know it a third party of mobsters gets involved as they want Elise’s man dead and Frank finds himself in a lot of trouble.

The film has a bit of humor, a bit of action, a bit of romance, a bit of crime, a bit of intrigue, a bit of mystery and it almost adds up to an entire movie.  Unfortunately that movie also only has a bit of a plot and while that is fine the film is built around not very much at all.  Thankfully the filmmakers don’t drag things out and while the film casually moves along its own pace it manages to remain interesting through its eight or nine scenes.  Really, eight or nine, that’s about it; and it’s not a big deal.  It works.  Things aren’t terribly complex or compelling but they are entertaining and pretty look at which only helps the matter.

Sure, Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck’s American debut isn’t anywhere near the brilliance of his debut, The Lives of Others, but this film is a decent start for him in the Hollywood system.  Donnersmarck’s talents do not lend to terribly exciting action set pieces here, both here are snail like and rather dull, but his eye quite beautifully captures the vistas and stars.  The creative team’s choice on tone is another odd conundrum in the film because the drama and comedy works when they throw it out there, but the film seems like it never really knows what kind of movie it wants to be.  Jolie’s Elise is dead serious where as Depp’s Frank is a bit goofy and a much lighter affair when we focus on him.  When they are apart they seem like they are in different films, together they some how blend together into a still entertaining film, you just kind of wish they would have locked into one or the other and ran with it.  One last major thing not helping the film was a score by James Newton Howard that is just all over the place and never fits in with the picture.  This could partially be the lack of a through tone for the picture but to say the least I wasn’t a fan.

The actors in the film do some fine work though no one does anywhere near the best work of their career.  Jolie doesn’t do much different than her mysterious femme fatale role she does so well, though we don’t get to see he kick much ass, and she gives Elise a bit of depth that the script calls for.  Depp on the other hand makes his biggest departure from his weird self in some time but still seems to be having some fun as a goofy American running amuck in Venice.  Paul Bettany is wasted in a straightforward agency role that doesn’t allow him to do much of anything; same goes for Rufus Sewell.  Easily taking the cake as the weakest link of the cast is Steven Berkoff who plays one of the worst and least intimidating villains I have ever seen in a film.  Really hurts the overall impact of the film as he is so non-threatening.  This and the score really hurt the film more than you would think.

In the end, The Tourist is a fun little star studded affair that you can easily enjoy even if it is a bit confounding at times.  It is a back and fourth match with the tone and you can never really settle into what type of film it wants to be.  Fans of Depp and Jolie will have plenty to like as they are in every scene but both have done far better work.  There is a third act spin that is a bit hard to chew but I had a good enough time to not worry about it all that much; and I don’t think they really cheated either anyways.  If interested don’t be afraid of The Tourist and if mildly intrigued I still think you can find some fun in the picture; just be ready for anything.

The Tourist is a B-

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is a beautiful looking film with a really intriguing story, but unfortunately doesn’t answer all of the questions I wish it had.  Looks like I am going to just have to use my imagination to fill in the blanks (See what I did there?  “Imagination”?  That’s right, I went there…)

A long time ago in a mountain range far, far away, a supernaturally inclined man named Parnassus was living a life devoted to his faith when a man name Mr. Nick came a’knockin’.  This visit from this devil-esque man set into motion a long lasting relationship for the following hundreds of years based on both men’s inability to say no to competition, gambling, and deal making, eventually leading to a deal in which Parnassus’s entry into the bargain is his own daughter.  When she turns 16 she is to be given over to Mr. Nick, and as this movie just so happens to have it, her 16^th birthday is right around the corner.  But before Parnassus is forced to make good on his side of the arrangement, Mr. Nick makes one final deal that she will go to whoever is able to collect the most souls before time runs out.

The movie takes place in the modern world, but it really has a timeless look to it; especially when moving out of the gloomy streets of the real world and into the world behind the mirror.  Those who find themselves in this magical world of the imagination are shown the magnificent and unexplainable before being given a choice.  Now what this choice actually is is slightly debatable.  The outcome of this decision determines who will win the soul, but seeing as this is not a battle between the devil and God, it is hardly a choice of right and wrong.  Sometimes it seems to be a choice between the life that individual is already leading vs. what will save them from this path (which I have the commentary track to thank for putting one such example into these words), but other times it is less distinct.  But no matter how unclear what is going on happens to be in this world, it sure does look pretty.  The look of the imaginarium is quite similar to the story world in The Fall, if this story was taking place in a Salvador Dalí painting.  On top of the great computer graphics, the practical design elements of the sets and costumes were just as amazing and fitting in this heightened world.

My confusion did not stop with the choices posed to those that enter the world, but with other bits of information given to the audience.  For one thing, it is stated that only one person is supposed to go through the mirror at a time because different minds working at once would make things get out of hand, but more often than not more and more people were in there at once and nothing really seemed to be greatly complicated by this, which seemed like an opportunity lost.  Also, it is never really clear just how much certain individuals really know what is going on in this traveling sideshow that fronts for the imaginarium.  For one thing, it isn’t really clear what exactly his daughter thinks is going on behind the mirror, especially because she has no idea about the wager.  I guess this all hinges on what the imaginarium is normally used for when Parnassus isn’t fighting to keep his daughter.

Though I am left with a lot of questions, the answers aren’t needed to enjoy the film.  Plus, it helps that the acting is great all around.  For starters, it is really nice to see that Verne Troyer is a really talented actor in more serious roles considering most people associate him with Mini-Me.  In addition to Troyer, Lily Cole and Andrew Garfield do great jobs as Parnassus’ daughter and helper respectively though they don’t have a lot of known roles under their belts (PS – I highly recommend that everyone go rent Garfield’s Boy A).  Both Christopher Plummer as Parnassus and Tom Waits as Mr. Nick give strong performances on their own, but I will say that Waits outshines Plummer in their screen time together as they play off of each other in their interestingly dependent relationship.  Wait’s performance as the devil (if he is actually the devil) is refreshing because it veers from the most evil of all that is evil representation of the main man downstairs, and it is hilarious to watch him try to pick the hopeless Parnassus up so that their game can keep going and going.  Finally, Heath Ledger plays the character of Tony, a man with a questionable past and a truckload of charisma and charm to manipulate those around him even when his motives begin to show the real man below.  And finally, Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell do not disappoint in their respective mirror world sections in which they build off of Ledger’s “real world” Tony and show the effect that the appeal of this world has on him.

Though I am stuck with a lot of questions about this world, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is just as enjoyable without having divulged all the answers about how this world works.  In addition to the intriguing story, the acting and design elements are spectacular, making this a film that should not be missed.

Final Grade: B+

The 1951 animated version of Alice’s story is far from the top of my list of favorite Disney films from my childhood, but that does not keep me from being overly disappointed in the additional trip down the rabbit hole in this year’s Alice in Wonderland.

13 years following young Alice’s nightmare riddled nights of a mysterious world with crazy talking creatures, Alice finds herself all grown up and in the midst of an engagement party celebrating the proposal that has yet to occur.  When the question is finally popped Alice decides to avoid responding and exercise her affinity for chasing clothed rabbits down really deep holes.  When she eventually makes it into Wonderland a welcoming party of a few familiar faces greets her and we learn that the run in with the rabbit in the real world was a planned occurrence on his part.  Apparently since the last time Alice was there things have taken a turn for the worse and the inhabitants have been searching for the right Alice to fulfill the prophesy of bringing an end to the Red Queen’s reign of terror.  Unfortunately for them Alice is less that enthusiastic about filling those big shoes.

The design work used to create Wonderland is definitely the highlight of the film for me, with a lot of beautifully constructed costumes and amazing CGI environments and creatures (including the Cheshire Cat, Jabberwocky, and both the red and white armies) filling out the world.  Unfortunately the story is not one to match the scale of the world.  The majority of the film is actually a revisiting of places Alice came across in the animated film, such as the room with the “drink me” bottle to enter Wonderland and the tea party with the Mad Hatter.  Though this set up plays into a memory sequence later in the film, it just seems like a bunch of uninspired allusions to the prior film as they play out on the screen.  What’s worse is that the time taken going through these familiar scenes overshadows Alice’s mission in this film, which fails to build as the film progresses.  Instead she just spends the majority of the film going through the motions as she prattles on about wanting to wake up from this dream with a chorus of “but you are our champion!” being spouted from the citizens of Wonderland, who are just hoping she will decide to slay the Red Queen’s dragon for them no matter how unenthusiastic she seems about the whole idea.  Once the ending finally does comes around it just seems rushed and tacked on, and continues to get worse as the credits get closer.

The characters of the film go the same way as the story, with acting that could have been much better from the talent collected.  Mia Wasikowska could have been much stronger as Alice instead of just sticking to her “I don’t want to be here” range of expressions and line readings, but I do feel like she has the potential to do much better with a stronger role.  Anne Hathaway is fine as the White Queen, amusingly playing up the upper crustiness in how she carries herself (which you will either find annoying or amusing.  I fell into the latter group, but I love Hathaway).  The actor who does the best in their role is Helena Bonham Carter as the Red Queen, who shines in the moments when she is given more to do than just shout “off with their heads!”  Unfortunately, Johnny Depp’s Mad Hatter is actually a weaker part of the film.  For starters, his character is far too difficult to understand.  He may be insane and should therefore be anything but cut and dry, but usually there is some mind to the madness.  Here it just seems as if Depp was given so much freedom with his interpretation of the character that he never actually finds it.  Furthermore, the spotlight he is given is just not warranted in the end because it pulls focus from Alice, who I am assuming this film is actually supposed to be about.  I mean, her name is in the title and everything…

On the whole I am a big fan of Tim Burton’s films, but unfortunately Alice in Wonderland is not something I can add to the list of his movies that I love.  Overall the design elements may create a really pretty world, but the substance just isn’t there.  And though it may have some of the craziness of the 1951 animated film, it fails to come together in its attempt to become something more than just a trip through madness.

Final Grade: D

Tim Burton’s latest collaboration with Johnny Depp is a gigantic, uninspired, and boring mess of an adaptation of the Alice in Wonderland mythology.

The story is a sequel to Disney’s previous animated version of Alice in Wonderland and picks up some years later with Alice, now nineteen, about to be married off to the son of an old family friend that is very well to do but Alice is still haunted? By reoccurring “dreams” of her trip to Wonderland as a child.  When the young man proposes to her in front of a giant crowd at a prearranged engagement party, Alice gets cold feat and runs off into the garden, chasing the white rabbit, and down into a rabbit hole and back into the world of Wonderland.  The look of the place has changed significantly and we discover from a few familiar faces that there is a long standing search for Alice and they aren’t quite sure if this Alice is the real one.  The prophecy is that Alice will return to Wonderland to rid it of the tyrant Red Queen and restore peace to the once jovial nation.

Now, I have a lot of problems with this film, but first and foremost I just didn’t find it at all that engaging or entertaining.  When the film isn’t seemingly just walking down memory lane of Wonderland, and it does a lot of this for the first hour, the story they try to concoct is so unoriginal and uninspired it just never grabs you.  The plot also has countless gapping holes in it, just ignores logic, and makes no sense on a number of occasions.  From the desperate attempt to give the Mad Hater some depth to his character, the complete surface depth of the evil characters, the use of CGI for Crispin Glover’s body, and the fact that nobody in Wonderland seems to like the Red Queen yet she is some how in power, these are just the tipping point of problems I have without spoiling things.

Possibly my biggest issue with the film is Alice’s demeanor and logic on her being in Wonderland.  She is convinced this experience is a dream, even though her old method of waking up from one doesn’t work.  Also, she doesn’t seem to remember or recognize Wonderland, how is this possible?  It doesn’t look all that different and she has previously told us that she is still having “dreams” about her first trip to Wonderland so why is everything so foreign to her?  It takes 95% of the movie to unfold before she starts to finally come to this realization and I don’t know if she ever acknowledges that she really had been here before, but more or less just bought into the laid out prophecy.

Burton given this endless world of imagination brings next to nothing new to table and the film is creatively dry if you ask me.  The moments that work in the film are re-hashes of the animated film, Cheshire Cat and the Blue Caterpillar are a pair of the very few highlights, and I just didn’t find the world incredibly rich or wondrous.  Also of note, the use of 3-D is just as uninspired and pointless and not necessary for the viewing enjoyment of the picture.  Avatar has spoiled us and I think a lot of the 3-D pictures this year will come across as a disappointment in that element as most directors are still trying to figure out how to use the medium.  The CGI in the picture, especially for one that cost two hundred million dollars, was also not that impressive stylistically or consistently.  There are a number of shots in the picture that do look gangbusters, don’t get me wrong, but for every winner there are two shots that look a little too eh.  Danny Elfman’s score is even an uninspired and unnoticeable element to the film.

The acting work in the film is also nothing to write home about and none of the on screen actors do anything special for the entirety of the picture.  Helena Bonham Carter is the highlight as the Red Queen but her part gets stale and repetitive in a hurry.  Johnny Depp’s interpretation of the Mad Hatter is bad weird and never really worked for me as he tried to give him a dark side, or something, on the inside.  The kookiness of the character never charms or is all that funny and it is probably one of the worst turns of the gifted actor’s careers.  Mia Wasikowska stars as Alice and she is unfortunately really flat and has no pep what so ever in the picture.  She dully delivers her lines and doesn’t have the cheery aloofness Alice has in the animated classic, Wasikowska does come a bit alive in the third act.  Anne Hathaway needs to put her hands down, Crispin Glover does alright and kind of weird work, but most of the voice actors do solid jobs in their roles.  Stephen Fry as the Cheshire Cat and Alan Rickman as Blue Caterpillar are the highlights of the voice actors, and the voice casting was one of the few things Burton got right.

In the end, Alice in Wonderland is nothing but a big mess.  Where the original film was a crazy and tripped out adventure through this mysterious and wondrous world, Burton and company try and give this iteration a plot that is stale, uninspired, and unoriginal that leaves us scratching our heads.  Beyond being unoriginal the film doesn’t really flow very well, idling with nothing much happening for the majority of the picture, and then tries to patch together a plot that makes no sense with gaping plot holes to get us to the finale.  The acting is weak, the direction uninspired, effects that are dull, and 3D that is pointless and misused there is nothing to really recommend about this picture.  A front runner for biggest flop of the year due to the talent involved, there are at least a couple characters and scenes worth checking out but this is a rental at best and the worst Burton and Depp film to date by a wide margin.

Alice and Wonderland is a F